Tonight more than usual I am having a rough night.
My arms are empty and my heart is broken.
As you may have noticed in the last post Braden and James have gotten big. Neither of them have the toddler look anymore and when I realized that I cried.
The worst time of the day for me is between 10pm-9am. The house is too quiet and for part of that time I am alone with the boys while they are sleeping.
I check on my boys so often during the night that I think their subconscious has a little timer that says "Moms in here again time to roll over so she can see that we are okay"
I am scared of falling asleep while my boys are asleep and fight it as long as I can at night.
I was looking at the bargain buys at Deseret Book today and came across a white onesie with the imprint of a tie on it exactly Carters size. Luckily I'm used to people staring at me when I cry in stores now.
I really have a hard time when people say things that they think are comforting because really right now it's not.
I hate it when something small triggers something inside of me and I get onery.
My heart breaks everytime Braden asks why Carter is living at Heavenly Fathers house now.
I got really angry when within the first 24 hours of people finding out about Carter I all of the sudden had like 24 friend requests on facebook and only like 4 of them were people who I felt actually cared about my family and weren't trying to just get in on the gossip.
Sometimes I think I am going to bite my tongue in half trying not to say things to certain people because I know they are just trying to be nice.
I thank my Heavenly Father everyday that I still have Braden and James but part of my heart is missing and when it comes down to it I really do want my baby Carter back.
1 week ago
3 comments:
Lindsay your words are so beautiful. It makes me think how precious life is and not to take a moment for granted. I read every post from you and I am lifted. I can't even begin to imagine how hard things are for you but I just want you to know that you touch my heart every time I read your amazing words. I thank you for being a good friend to me. Please know that I am here for you.
Love you.... (hugs)
Lindsay, I really want my Dad back too. I lost him suddenly in July and I have cried more these last few months than I have in my entire life. I can feel your grief, but I know that losing my dad can't even compare to losing your child.
You are such an excellent writer, Lindsay. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Please know that we still pray for you and your family and love you all so much.
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