After Carters graveside service I turned to PJ and said something that seems to be coming out of my mouth a lot lately "Now what". For the past 3 months I have built a routine of being a mother of 3, it didn't take to long for that routine to stick.I had my self convinced while I was pregnant with Carter that being a mother of 3 was going to be so hard to adjust to, but I am finding that going back to only caring for 2 is much, much harder. Now that I only have 2 kids on earth I do 2/3rds of the routine and find myself looking around saying"Now what?". It is amazing to me how quickly things set in and how hard it is to get out of the habit. I still find myself waking up each morning at 6:30 am and have even had to stop myself as I have headed to the kitchen to make a bottle. I get my boys ready for the day and find myself walking towards the 3rd bedroom to dress my baby. I am constantly going back to the car after i take a few steps because I feel like I forgot the car seat.
So "Now what"? Now I need to take care of Braden and James, I need to raise them the way that I feel will help us all to become an eternal family. I need to forget about cleaning all the time and play with them more. Now I need to live my life in a way in which I will have no regrets. I'm sure more "Now what"s will come along and as those do I will decide then what I now need to do.
5 comments:
Lindsay, this is the most touching thing I have read in a long time. Thanks for sharing.
You are wonderful Linds. I hope it will comfort you to share what you are feeling. You are a wonderful mother. Love you so much. What you wrote is beautiful!
Lindsay you are wanderful, you give me things to think about in my own pariting. its best to focuse on what we have right now.
ah.... that was such a sweet post. Thanks for letting us all share this with you!
Lindsay,
Your post brought tears to my eyes. It made me think about when my kids were small and the routines we had. I am so sorry that you don't have Carter here on earth with you, but you do have him for eternity. Thank you for being such a strong woman.
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