Denial

I vaguely remember learning about the stages of grief in my college health class.

Denial

Anger

Bargaining 

Depression

Acceptance

For the past 4 months I have been in the denial stage. 

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross the woman that is credited with coming up with the 5 stages said about denial

This first stage of grieving helps us to survive the loss. In this stage, the world becomes meaningless and overwhelming. Life makes no sense. We are in a state of shock and denial. We go numb. We wonder how we can go on, if we can go on, why we should go on. We try to find a way to simply get through each day. Denial and shock help us to cope and make survival possible. Denial helps us to pace our feelings of grief. There is a grace in denial. It is nature’s way of letting in only as much as we can handle.

As you accept the reality of the loss and start to ask yourself questions, you are unknowingly beginning the healing process. You are becoming stronger, and the denial is beginning to fade. But as you proceed, all the feelings you were denying begin to surface.

 This stage is what helped me get through the viewings and the graveside service. 

It is what got me through the first month of not watching my son grow and learn. It got me through the day.

The problem with this stage though is that everyone sees you "living" and "moving on" that they think you are strong and that you are handling what was put on your plate and slowly all the support and help that was around at the start is gone and you feel you are on your own.

Then one day something triggers you to "wake up" so to say and reality hits and it hits you hard. 

This was my trigger

I was able to see this on the 29th after my great aunts graveside. 

Then I went into a funk. 

All of last week I stayed in my house and only left it for a total of maybe 7 hours in 7 days. 

I didn't want to talk to anyone, I didn't want to do anything. I had to force myself to even get out of bed some days.

 I have felt all of the stages at some point or another through this but I have to say right now I feel a lot of pain. There isn't a day that doesn't go by that I don't feel the physical pain in my heart as if it is literally breaking. 

 I really just want my baby back.