You know what I should be doing right now?
I should be holding my 5 month old baby and cuddling him while he sleeps.
I should be writing blog posts about all the new tricks he learned this past month and
I should be writing about how happy he is all the time and how we love having 3 boys making
noise in the house.
Instead I am planning my next visit to his grave and what decorations I will put on it so the people will know
that my baby is there since there is no headstone yet.
I am answering questions about SIDS and how I make it through the day without my baby.
and I am constantly trying to hide the tears everytime I see a gift that would have been perfect
for Carters first Christmas.
Instead I have picked up 10 lb bags of ice just to remember what that weight felt like in my arms.
I had someone tell me that having a baby die of SIDS was there worst nightmare and all I could say
was "It's my nightmare that I live through everyday"
This is my reality now I have an angel son,
I was told by someone I used to consider a friend that
"If I didn't want drama I shouldn't talk about Carter or
the feelings I have when people say certain things around me"
Well I guess if that is the only way I can cut drama out of my life I'm going to be dealing
with drama my whole life because I will never stop talking about my son and I will always
be honest with people how it makes me feel when certain things are said or done around me.
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I was recently told that people have stopped acknowledging me because if they
acknowledge me then they acknowledge the fact that sometimes babies die without having
anything wrong with them.
I understand that it is a hard thing to think about but have they not thought about how difficult it is
to live with that.
Do you know how hard it gets trying not to cry because it makes others uncomfortable?
Do you know the toll it takes on somebody to realize that at the end of the month their baby will have been dead longer than he was ever alive?
Do you know how it feels to know that the look people are giving you is the look of pity?
I do.
This is something I would never wish upon my worst enemy.
But sadly this is my reality.
6 comments:
It's not always pitty Linds, sometimes it's amazement! Amazement you're talking about it, that you're able to go on. Sometimes people don't know what to say because when you look at a situation you've never had to live though, you honestly can not understand it. People have always been afraid of what's different, and you walked though what most of us fear the most, and became "different". To some you became a hero, and to others you've become uncomprehendable.
((hugs)) yes i know. i live this reality too. :'(
Words can be so painful. Some just don't know what to say and then say the wrong thing.
Yes, you should be holding that baby.
No one should judge you by wishing that you could. It is just so sad that you aren't.
The person that talked about the drama is totally wrong.
(((((HUGS)))))
I'm sorry if i have been one to say something to hert you. I agree with mcElwain the first one to coment. you are amzsing. hang in there.
hey girl, i wanted to tell you that i gave you a blog award. you can check out my last post to see it. pls know that you don't have to play along at all if you don't want. it was just my way of saying how much i appreciate you being with me in this time of sorrow, and being so inspirational to me.
I want you to know that I think about you and Carter every time I see the "Carter's" label on baby clothes. Thanks for sharing everything you are going through. I know it is hard.
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