What a relief...

If you have ever lost a loved one you know that small things can set tears rolling down your face. Today I had one of those days not because I was horribly miserable but because I felt extremely loved.

Let me give you a little background PJ and I moved to our ward back in April we did not start going to our ward until May. Between May and June 21 we had many reasons not to attend our ward nephews being blessed, sicknesses and so on. So it was very hard for me to get to meet any of the women in our ward. Plus I just had a hard time putting myself out there to actually talk and get to know others.(Those of you who knew me as a teenager are probably saying when did Lindsay start acting shy) So then after Carter was born I was a typical paranoid mother who had already had one little boy in the PICU at primary childrens medical center and did not take my newborn baby to church or most other places that had crowds. My first time going back to church with Carter was August 29th. I still had not found the courage to talk to any of the ladies in our ward but a few had come to me to compare our babies (there are a lot of babies in my ward). It was nice and I had felt included.

Today was my first time back to church since Carter passed away, James was feeling sick and wanted his dad to stay home with him so it was just Braden and I. Many times on the way to church (only a 2 minute drive tops) I had tried to convince myself to turn around and go home but I knew if I didn't go today I would keep finding reasons not to go. So I tried taking Braden to his Sunbeam class and he did not want me to leave him (he is having a bit of separation anxiety right now). But I really felt I needed to go to relief society I had only been once since Carter was born. So I decided I would just take Braden with me I thought I could use at least one friend with me. I was worried that now that I don't have my baby on earth with me anymore I would not be accepted into this group anymore. So I walked into Relief Society feeling very alone and scared and I sat on the back row that way if it got to be too much I could just sneak out.

So there I sat and within seconds I kid you not seconds, our relief society president was over to me telling me that she was glad to see me, moments later Amy came and sat next to me I have always felt close to Amy she is a very genuine person and just having her sit next to me calmed a few of my fears. We had an amazing lesson on faith and there were times I just couldn't hold the tears in at those times Amy would just pat my back as if to say "Just let it out".

After class I was ready to sneak out and just go but before I could even stand up some of these women that I had compared babies with only weeks earlier came over to share their love and offer any help they could. I just couldn't help it the tears streamed. This ward loved me whether they knew me well or not. These women had been praying for me and my family. They had been crying for our loss and they made sure to let me know that they were there for me.

I felt so relieved that I no longer felt lonely and unwanted that I actually stayed for the full 3 hours. Braden and I even took our turns baring our testimonies. I needed today and I am so thankful that I was smart enough not to listen to myself and I kept going.