Innocence Lost

A single moment—a split-second experience—can change us. Forever.--Hilary Weeks

How true this statement is so many experiences have changed me forever :moving away from home for the first time,Getting married, Becoming a mother, Becoming a stay at home mom,and most recently becoming the mother of an angel baby.

People are probably getting sick of me writing about Carters death but this blog is for me not for them.

At 8:45 am on Sept. 18, 2010 I woke up to my phone ringing and began talking to my sister until I realized it was 2 hours after the normal time Carter would wake up for his bottle as I walked into his room at 8:48 am I KNEW my world had drastically changed. As my dear cousin Clint put it I had lost my innocence.

As I was performing CPR on my little baby I just kept thinking "no this can't be happening not to Carter, not to our family". I knew he was gone but I just couldn't let him go. I found my self arguing with God while I waited for the firefighters and EMTs to show up "He is MY baby I need him here." I was mad honestly mad why hadn't I gotten that motherly instinct that told me something was wrong like I had so many times before? Why had I just been blessed with the best night sleep I had gotten in years to wake up to this?

After help arrived I now had the hard task of calling PJ. I now had to change his life in a split second while he sat in his law class. It took 6 calls before he picked up I knew I had to keep calling so he would know it was important. When he answered I had to say the hardest thing any wife or mother would probably have to say. "I need you here, Carter is dead". Seems a little harsh to look back and think that that is how I told him but I had to get it out or I would never dare to tell him.

As I waited for PJ to get home and for the investigation to clear up I learned how well Satan jumps in for the attack he knew I was vulnerable and he went for the neck I kept having thoughts go through my head of "PJ will blame you, you should have woken up to check on him".At this point I felt it WAS my fault, he was fine when I checked on him at midnight why didn't I wake up in enough time to save him. Luckily for me the first thing PJ did when he got there was pull me into a big hug and tell me he loved me.

Throughout the investigation at our apartment I was very blessed for the men who were there. Corporal Turner made sure I knew what was going on and even took the time to talk to me about how I needed to lean on family and church groups to help me deal with it all. Officer Pack took care of my Braden and James while we waited for any family member to arrive, he got them chocolate milk, fruit snacks and even found cartoons for them to watch. At the end of the investigation they let me hold my baby one last time. As I sat in my bathroom holding my Carter the medical examiner let me just tell him about Carter and how he hardly cried and was developing so quickly, how he had rolled over from his back to his front for the first time on the Tuesday before. Not one person left that apartment with a dry eye these men could tell how hard this was for me and how special this baby was and they were grieving with me.